Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
