the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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