Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
