I feel great
I just peed on a car
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
