I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
