Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
