I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
