did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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