You're so nebulous sometimes
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
