I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
