My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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