I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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