You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
