he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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