he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
