So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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