I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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