The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
