Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
