I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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