i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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