Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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