I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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