Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
