In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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