we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
