I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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