In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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