The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize