i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
