i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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