she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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