If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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