did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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