Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
