haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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