I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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