Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
