drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
