Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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