This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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