I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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