he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
