Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
