Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
