The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Dick very happy bro
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
