mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
