My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
