Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
