I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
