I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You can't just leave with hair like that
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
