I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
