I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
