he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
