im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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