So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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