"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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